Man i have so many great friends, like so so many, its wonderful, they make me happy. But what i need right now, is a hug, a big one, and i dont really know why. i guess we could all use a good hug sometimes, but for some reason, i feel like i need one now more than ever. And one from a boy, who is bigger than me, not that hugs from my best girl friends or guy friends who are as tall or shorter than me are unappreciated, but its those guys that are bigger and just warm and strong, that their embrace at times is a little bit more desired.

***If your name is not emily nedderman you can completely disregard the rest of this blog, it has nothing to do with you, thanks***


Emily, i miss you. I miss you alot, i havent seen you this whole break, and i know you have had family stuff, and joe, but i just get the feeling that not only are we running out of time considering you are going to wf next year and out of my life forever, but i feel like you are already gone, i know we have watters together, and that is just a barrel of monkeys, but i just miss ya, you are my best friend and although you are always making fun of me and demoralizing me, i miss that, you make me laugh, and you have been my best friend for 7th grade, and i guess its just this transition is really hard, knowing we arent gonna see eachother alot for the rest of our lives makes me really sad because you have been a big big part of mine, you are such a huge blessing and i have always been so proud to call you my friend, and i just get that feeling that we are already drifting apart, and we dont need to, i dont want to, i want to make the best of our time together, cuz i know it isnt gonna last much longer, you can tell me all you want that we will stay great friends in college, but we both know thats not true, we have more common sense than that. Sorry i probably could have emailed this to you instead of broadcasting it over the internet, but it occured to me as i was writing, and i just had to get it down, cuz i know that im really gonna need a good good friend to be with me these next couple months, i can explain later, but i just know that its gonna be a time when im gonna need my best friend, and of course that is still going to be you until you go off to college become famous and forget what i look like ;).

I promise that i am thankful for everything God has given me in my life, except cockroaches.......they can burn in hell to the sound of my laughter, but besides them, words cannot express how incredibly thankful i am for all the blessings i have in my life, so i wont even try to list them. I say this because this blog, it prolly wont be very pleasant, i dont know how it will make me sound, but i certainly do not want to come off as ungrateful, cause believe me i really and truly am.

Lately i have just been having this feeling that i am doomed (not doomed to rot in hell or anything because i know i wont im going to heaven, that is prolly what i am amost thankful for) but i was drivin home tonight ya know listening to that music that just takes you to a whole different world, we have discussed this before, and i just got this awful feeling of hopelessness, and i cant even describe it so i dont know if i want to try but i dont know maybe its just because this thanksgiving royally sucked.

The cowboys just stunk, i kept getting in fights with my mom, and since my grandma couldnt cook the food was just nowhere near its usual amazingness, and thanksgiving food isnt even my favorite, so for it not to be even that good just makes it suck more. Plus i have no family in town, and i know most people dont like it when the family comes in, but i do they are entertaining. So without them, good food, good relations and a good football team i was so bored and just waiting for the day to be over. But at the same time i didnt want it to be over cuz it only reaffirms what i said in my previous blog that this break would go by so fast, and look what happened, tomorrow is friday.......

But at least tonight i met up with zac toby and tommy and went to waffle house then back to zacs to watch the ultimate fighting championship, which really was only entertaining for a little while because despite the men with the beautiful bodies, it just looked to much like they were doing positions from the Kama Sutra, and guy on guy action, makes me want vomit all over everything. I think it would be really hard to date an ultimate fighting champion cuz im afraid if i piss them off, they will just upper cut me then knee me in the crotch then throw me down and continue to pound on me, and thats just not something i am looking for in a husband/father figure kinda guy, that i want to grow old with, but hey, everyones tastes are different, so if your dream is to be the ultimate fighting champion im sure there is a lovely lady who would love to be your punching bag (warning: she probably has testicles).


I miss my friends, I really really do, im feeling really lonely, and at the same time doomed, see after watching the ultimate fighters me and tommy started talking about things, and i wont go into details, but if what he said is right, man im so screwed, i dont want to change my views or my standards, but it seems like if i dont, im gonna be experiencing a world of hurt. But im not willing to lower my standards, so bring on the pain.

"duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh you say its your birthday duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh its my birthday too...."

(sigh of relief) Its finally Thanksgiving Break! I feel like i have really accomplished something here, like it is some sort of landmark in my life. Maybe its because that stress is pretty much gone......momentarily. Although i am enjoying this time off thoroughly, i cant help but think that it will go by so fast and before i know it, im back in school, doing hw, and not having near countless hours just to be with my friends. I am a person who cant help but think ahead, think to the future, and how my decisions will affect me. And although in cases like this my tendency to think ahead is somewhat a bummer, looking back i have appreciated it alot, its kept me outta trouble, cause i tend to make the right decisions, but this isnt very consistent so i have my moments where i pretty much blindfold myself, walk into traffic, and hope to come out on the other side unharmed. Its times like these i wish i would have thought things through.

I think i already have a new years resolution. One of many of course, but i would really like to figure out how to truly learn from my mistakes. Granted these mistakes arent huge but i just find it weird that whenever i do something and afterwards im like man im idiot at least ill know better next time, when next time comes around, i know that i know better, but i let myself fall into the same trap thinking it will be a different outcome, but it isnt, i end up just where i left off, thinking i have learned something when really im no better than before. So i think if i commit to figuring out how to truly learn from my mistakes, i could save myself from a lot of heartache this next year which would be nice because i for one am not a huge fan of gutwrenching pain.


Now im pretty sure i am not the only one who does this, but there are certain things about guys, nothing big just things they do, say, are involved in (and by this i mean something we are both interested or involved in) that i just cant help but being attracted to. This goes back to that learning from my mistakes thing, but its like when i come across one of these guys that has a lot of attributes i like or admire or have in common, i develop a crush. Now these can happen pretty frequently and of course there is no other word that could describe what it is because it wouldnt be called a crush if it didnt hurt. Because as soon as i begin contemplating a future with this guy, i discover he is a raging alcoholic, a total nympho, or totally rude to his mother. And this is where the pain comes in. A lot of times there was nothing to start off with, but its the potential of something being there, of finding that guy that you match up perfectly with that respects you, himself, and all other women including his mother, very highly. And i continue to think this only to have my hopes dashed away because my dream man finds it necessary to get wasted every minute he isnt in school or forced to be at a family function. And although i know that not all guys are like this, it sure seems like most of them are. And apparantly these guys all seem to have the qualities that i just cannot resist, and i fall for them all the time only to get crushed. I should know better by now.

Im kinda pissed cuz there was something i really wanted to talk about on here, and i KNOW it was important, ok obviously it wasnt or i would have remembered it, and of course like all things we seem to forget it will magically come to us in a dream, or if it is a song, we will start singing it without even realizing it, and upon realization that that was the song you couldnt remember, its like man thats what it was! and you feel better about yourself, and its like a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders, we burden ourselves with strange things sometimes.

"No more yanky my wanky, the donger need FOOD!"
*Sidenote: this is a sixteen candles reference, i have no wanky.

Alright so raise your hand if you want to get married? Maybe not so much get married and but be proposed to and plan a wedding because i know i do! Since i do not have control of the remote for what appears to be the rest of my life, i have been watching Ed (which i would watch if i had total control of the remote anyways) then the final episode of the bachelor. Now i am not one for shows like the bachelor i just dont see the odds of true love blossoming when ones heart is pulled in so many directions, and of course all of this being accomplished in a very short amount of time, but nonetheless, our friends bachelor bob must indeed choose between 2 wonderful women, i wouldnt want to be on either side of that, the chooser or the choosee. Im just waiting for someone who has been the reject in the final two, to assassinate the rejecter like right in the middle of their interview with the today show or something. I think that would just bring a whole new element to these type of programs.

Anyways, sorry about going off on that little tangent, but the point is on ed tonight ed proposed to carol and it was so sweet, and bachelor bob could be potentially proposing to one of these potential killers and it just makes me want to get married. I mean one of these two women is 24, and she could soon be a fiancee, HELLO thats like 7 years away how exciting......you are all invited to the wedding, who is this mystery man? i dunno, but i hope hes hot....

Is it bad that i almost picked up the kid i work with by pals by throat and threatened to threaten his life? Ok so i really didnt but he shoved this kid and like spit at him and i was like hey! dont do that and he wouldnt look at me, so i grabbed the front of his shirt (not violently just to turn him towards me) and i was like look at me thomas DONT DO THAT, and he was like dont grab my shirt and i almost picked him up and was like "I WILL DO WHATEVER THE HECK I PLEASE, DONT GIVE ME ANY ATTITUDE YOU MORON!" but i didnt, it just crossed my mind of how funny it would have been to do that, i mean really who does that? I think everyone would just kinda stare and figure he deserved it, hes in kindergarten and hes already a legendary punk in that school, its crazy, sidenote, the PE teacher, is totally ripped, if he didnt have facial hair......i dunno i think him and coach roe would have to like arm wrestle to see who wins hottest teacher coach who ever existed, im not sayin the PE teacher is hot, hes just ripped, and its nice, he may actually be a little gay......

Alright thats it if i dont get proposed to in the next 24 hours im going to spin around in a circle point to the first boy my age i see (who doesnt annoy the crap out of me and who is good looking enough to where i wouldnt want to wretch if i were to see his face in the morning......ok im picky but if we are just goin on a turn and point all i have to go on is looks, so dont judge me)and run away to vegas, actually run away to Harry Winston so he can buy me a beautiful giant engagament ring, then head to vegas and get hitched.......ok you know what scratch that cause if my husband can afford a harry winston, we are gettin married in some ancient cathedral in like switzerland where it is beautiful, instead of some place where countless prostitutes have married numerous, drunken faggits, only to abort the baby they had probably been impregnated with the night before, anyways.........i have said too much.

"oh yeah you can milk anything with nipples"

O well hello! God is good, im feeling really good about pretty much everything right about now! Its a good thing, despite that stupid CA for english and the fact that we play Carroll on tuesday for basketball :/, (if you are bored on tuesday we play at 630 and the guys play after us, so that should be your incentive to catch the end of our game at least so you can get a good seat for their game). Its not gonna be as bad as i make it sound, they are like top 10 in the state, but we are doing good this year so it will be fun.

My friends rule, all of them, they are just awesome this weekend was a really fun one, we went to hard rock cafe to celebrate my friend Jenni's bday and danced on stage to YMCA, and a Grease medley, and in front of all those people most of which were older than me and probably thought i was wasted, i went crazy, i was dancing around like you do when you are dancing around in your room in your underwear with your brush/microphone, it was amazing! Maybe thats why i feel so much better i just let it all out, i let go of my inhibitions and i have never really done anything like that before, you should try it, its exhilerating.

We were sitting right by this staircase and these guys were coming down the stairs, oh you know, tru playas fo real (ok not really they were kinda fat and gross) anyways one of them fell down the stairs. There is nothing better than drunkards bumbling about falling down/into things looking like complete fools in front everyone and then pissing on themselves, yay for alcohol!

So after hard rock we head back to tracis call the boys and a few others for a night in the worlds greatest backyard, poor traci, she got elbowed in the forehead in her bball game and if you have seen the mummy it looks like one of those creepy beetles died in her forehead, but anyways, we all hung out and in our ultimate quest to throw someone in the pool, we all decided on callie, because well........luck of the draw i suppose, anyways as jake goes to throw her in she wraps her legs around him like someone played a practical joke on a couple of porn stars and managed to glue them together, you couldnt get her legs unlocked from around him if you tried, i guess she REALLY didnt want to get in that pool, we did end up with a picture of this, so provocative, so dirty..........all in all it was your typical saturday night.

Ok so i watched the MK&A movie that went straight to TV the challenge or whatever......and they couldnt have picked uglier guys, i heard somewhere they get some say in the casting and if thats the case then they put on blindfolds reached their hands into a bag of dog crap and pulled out the first two guys they got their hands on, very disappointing, regardless....i still want to be them.

"Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch"

I had a realization today (actually two but the first one was right before i got in the shower and i was in a rush and i forgot it) anyways i have realized that i have been disappointed alot, and not just recently, but my entire life. If i have ever thought something to be one way, it is always the other, always. I seem to get let down, whats worse is i seem to set myself up for this let down all the time. I know the exact course of events that will lead me to a let down but the only thing that hasnt let me down is that i will always follow this course of events, do you follow? i dont know if that made sense.....

So to sum up, well im not summing up of course do you really think i would be done so soon? SO to sum up, i am finding it really hard lately to put my hope in anything but God, i know i can always trust God that he has a plan, and thats all the hope i need, but whenever i hope for something else, i get let down i get hurt, i know God is teaching a really obvious lesson in this, but im just frustrated from the fact that i wont just accept the fact that maybe being alone is what God has had planned for me all along. I dont think thats something anyone would want to just accept, being alone, cuz that sucks, it sucks hard. I am really happy for my friends, they are all finding these really great people that i think will be really good for them, and i dont want to say jealous is what i am cuz im not, im happy for them, if just makes me feel like there is something inherently unappealing about me, i dunno if its true or not but thats how i feel and right now i want more than anything to change it.

"Desperate for changing, starving for truth, closer to where i started, chasing after you."

I feel a little weird today, i dont know what it is, maybe its because i spent alot of time with elementary school kids today and i am realizing how much i miss my childhood. How simple it all used to be, and how difficult it is now. I miss recess, and wearing ugly clothes, my big glasses and poofy bangs, sure they were ugly but i didnt think so at the time......halloween and christmas parties.....field day.......Now i feel like all i am left with is AP classes and hours of practice, too much to do and no time to do it in, stress. I get the feeling sometimes that im not gonna know what life is like without stress, sure graduation is coming up but then there is college, and its not like thats gonna be a breeze, then i gotta learn how to live on my own, pay the bills, learn how to do the freakin laundry, man im screwed on that one....But anyways life as a kid was so much easier, stress as a little kid consisted of the frustration of why your team cant capture that stupid flag, its just on the other side of the playgroud......
So im on the playground today during PE in PALS pushing some kids in my class on the swings when this girl on another swing, she appeared to be a large 5th grader, was like what school do you go to and i said colleyville heritage, it was then that i noticed she was wearing that "paint the panthers pink" shirt and she was like "paint the panthers pink pink panthers pink panthers" for a good 10 mins straight and i swear to you i got so close to going over there grabbing her by the shoulders and flipping her out of that swing onto her face, you would have done the same thing it was so annoying.
I think im in a bad mood, i cant tell. I know im tired, and stressed and sore, but i dont have a good reason to be in a bad mood, i dont know of any bad grades that i have made, im not fighting with anyone, except for that 5th grade ho on the playground.....but i just cant seem to crack a smile. And i really wish i could, i mean im watching friends and im not laughing, the little things are frustrating me, things people say and do, i just get really annoyed, and i dont like it, i know it wont last, but its just weird. I think im having social withdrawals, since we had our retreat i didnt really get a weekend, i mean that was really fun and all, but i wanted to be with my good friends, and i wasnt, you know how that sucks and all. I think the other thing is that im just pissed about my drought, my 2 year drought, those of you that know me know what this drought is, and it sucks, it really really sucks, im tired of it......no one around me seems to be having this drought, this problem, if they were then its coming to an end, but mine just keeps on going, i know its for a reason and God has a plan, but i just feel like i have a defect, guys if i have a lazy eye or a hump that im just not seeing......tell me.....it should be corrected.....because its obviously interferring with me coming out of this drought.
Im also just frustrated with the fact that their are so many people that im really running out of time with. We are going to college soon and i just get the feeling sometimes that i will lose total connection with some people that i have invested alot of myself in...cause i an already see it happening.
All this and hw, and the fact that i cant laugh, the hilarities of life are what keep me going, and i dont seem to be getting anywhere......if that made any sense, geez whats my problem today guys, i think i should prescribe myself some Zoloft.....
Im to the point where i just want life to stop, just for a second, so i could get at least a good nights rest, too bad im not hamlet......

"im tethered, now im falling, knowing everything that goes up must come down......"

This was a big week, one of those weeks you figure you will remember for the rest of your life. Tuesday i played in the last volleyball game i will ever played in. You seniors who are in activities and have yet t experience the last game, performance, competition or whatever it is WEIRD. I was just thinking wow, i am never gonna actually compete in this sport again, im never gonna have a uniform, a real team, have to get dressed and ride the busses, spend my weekend at tournaments, and rushing home after the friday night games to make it to the football games. I am never gonna be with my girls again like we were, sure we will have banquet, throw together some form of a reunion, but it will never be the same, the close connections we had have already been severed, and that makes me sad. I just dedicated the last 4 months to those girls, was with them everyday laughing hysterically and in my case crying hysterically. Its just a really weird feeling.

So the next event in my week to remember well honestly was when i discovered who the love of my life is. When we are married i can tell him exactly when i knew he was the one. There is one problem, i have failed to actually meet him....Now dont make fun of me, because i got that feeling (and its not that i need sexual healing) he is tall and good looking, and one heck of a stud at hockey, and hockey rules. I wont reveal his name or where he goes to school all you need to know is that, well hes the one, and you are all invited to the wedding so all the important details on who he actually is will be unleashed upon you at that time.

So the next significant event in my week, the senior pep rally. I must say i am very proud of myself for not crying as i am prone to excessive amounts of tears at any moment that could be deemed "emotional" or "sentimental", but for some reason, on one of traditionally the saddest days of the year, i didnt cry, i didnt even come that close to shedding a tear. All of my volleyball girls the underclassmen that is did, but i didnt, i saw all my fellow seniors doing there slow-mo thing to what else "I will remember you" by Sarah Mchlachlan other wise know as "Sarah I write the most depressing songs in the world" and i wasnt moved emotionally by it, it just doesnt seem real, it doesnt seem like its these people that i have been with forever are doing this and our time together is coming to an end, it always felt like it would never end. And it is...

And finally, to end the week, it was the grapevine football game. To be honest before friday i thought we had no chance, none at all, i had seen gvine play and they are good. But when David Pevoto gave his spirit talk i was actually inspired cuz i could tell that he was representing the team in their strong belief that they could win and their sheer excitement at the thought of it. You could see it all over our football team all night long, they wanted it so bad and they fought so hard. Not to mention they played amazing, mad props to Tyler Henley, that man is amazing, he broke the rushing record actually he pretty much pissed all over it and it was awesome. I think that was the best game they have played all year, they definitely deserved it, but once again the strangest feeling....In the last few seconds when we knew we were gonna lose, i was just like wow this is it, the last football game, the last grapevine game, one of the last significant moments in my "chilhood" besides prom and graduation, well maybe not that important but thats what it feels like. Russell Thesing made a good point that night, he said this seems so big, because its all we know, this is huge because we dont really know of anything bigger, that is until we get to college, it is then that these moments will lack in luster and we will wonder why it seemed so important. Wow that was kinda deep and weird.

You guys know im not usually like this, it is prolly the randomness and oddity that is my blog that keeps the people coming back, but i felt this was important it needed to be said, because its what i feel and this is what it is for right? Sidenote, i started bball this week, its alot better than i thought it would be, we are gonna have fun the retreat rocked, but to my vball girls i miss yall sooo much! This whole not seeing eachother thing is gonna have to stop, im experiencing withdrawals.

Sorry this one is so long guys, im stopping now.

"Did anybody ever tell you you look like a penis with a little hat on?"

Hope- this one goes out to you, you are one fly sista, you got it goin on gurl, PS- remember my idea for my halloween costume i told you about? My plan to resemble a certain someone, dont worry i got pictures and they are gonna be good.
Ok we need to talk about something, from here on out referred to as the indescribable feeling or the IF. Ok so this IF i guess it can be applied to many things but in the case i am talking about the IF you get driving down the road and that slow song comes on, you know cold play-the scientist, john mayer- comfortable, honeybrowne-texas angel, lifehouse-everything, and the list continues on. These slow songs that when they come on its just like oh wow, and you are driving home at like 1 AM and you are just thinking and all of a sudden you are home in your driveway, the song comes to an end, and you have no clue what events have conspired from the time the song started until its finish. This is a result of the IF the song just overtakes, cuz the words are like describing your life, its funny cuz i dont remember telling stephen speaks every word i would ever want to have a guy say to me and asking him to put those words to music, cuz gosh does it feel like it. I wish there is more i could say about this, but its the IF you cant describe it, you dont know what it is, it just takes you over, those special kind of songs just blow you away adn all of a sudden you feel like you are in some movie, starring you, and these songs are like the perfect soundtrack, i dunno maybe thats just me.

Alot of times i find myself driving down the road or walking around and pretending im in a movie, its kinda fun cuz im drivin down the road jammin and thinking about if this would be the entrance to the movie of my life, me singing and dancing all alone in my truck, then me walkin down the hall at school, and there being a voiceover of all the thoughts in my head......man im weird, but i dunno maybe its like my own little version of saved by the bell, "when i wake up in the morning and im pissy and im tired and i dont wanna go to watters today......" that would be the theme song.

Am i a bad person if i never give blood just to be a good samaritan and help the common......goal or whatever? I just get so unbelieveably creeped out at the thought of needles going into my elbow, gosh it makes me hurt thinking about it, its the same way with like tubes and ivy's i just feel like the are covering my body and i like start twitching at the thought, so i think if anything seriously happens, guys......just let me go in peace, dont take me to the hospital where they will make all my fears a reality (and you know it would be a cockraoch infested hospital) just let me lay there, and go in peace. And besides not to be gross, but girls tend to bleed for like 5 days straight EVERY MONTH, so why not just take some of that blood and call it a day instead of thrusting a needle into my precious unpunctured circulatory system, makes sense to me.

"i think ive got the black lung pop..."